Did you ever feel like life is coming at you from 40,000 directions, each of them pulling you along with them, even if only for a little bit? What I'm about to type is hardly a grand revelation for many, but still, I just found myself in the trap of social media earlier tonight, reading the same news I've read before or seeing the same posts I've seen before, and even tried reaching in and debating the same debates I've debated before. Halfway through typing a response to one of the posts I simply stopped and just stared at the screen. For nearly five minutes, probably... I wasn't counting. But the post in question is something I've stated for years and debated for years. Suddenly I had a flood of "who cares" creep into my head, because really... who does? What does it matter? Why is having the same discussion about a movie for the 1000th time a good way to spend time? It's bloody well not. At all. And I'm not gonna do it anymore.
There's a line in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring that goes something like, "I feel like butter scraped over too much bread." That's about where I am, right now- with everything. I suppose I intend this blog to be therapeutic, even if it is just to spill out my frustrations and vent a little bit. I spent a good hour today on social media sites leaving groups en masse, from movie to TV show groups and everything else in between, and then unfollowed a large group of people whose posts I no longer care to see. I released this update regarding the Epic Film Guys podcast, which will continue with a weekly release every Thursday, but I'm also scaling back my involvement in Podern Family & everywhere else across the board. Rest assured I'll still promote our own show and many others, but I need to take a step back from everything before I break, and I feel like the cracks have already formed and are beginning to deepen.
Why? A million reasons, really. I'm just spread too thin, to revisit the simile above. Especially as I begin to ramp up for NaNoWriMo, I realize how much of a time commitment writing is, and the fact that I gave it up to focus on a million other things, and now I've reached a point where I just can't do it all anymore. Even if NaNo weren't a goal of mine, I still just don't have the time to dedicate to all of these things. I've got a life offline, a wife and two sons, and I've got mental and physical health concerns that have burdened me to the point where I feel like they're affecting other aspects of my life. I have household chores that need to be done, other mundane real-life-ities that I won't bother going into here, and I just... snapped. Something in me broke, and every letter I've already typed about this and continue to type in this blog (my final update about it) feels like a weight lifting off. I've reached a crossroads yet again in my life where I feel like I did before I went off to college. That was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and it took a hearty kick into my own ass to make it happen and I feel like that's what I need to do again. If we don't challenge ourselves, how do we ever push ourselves further than we've ever been? If we don't fight and struggle and reach for more and for better, we end up sitting and stagnating and dying without ever really having done... anything.
I don't want that to be me. So, I left all those groups. Now they won't distract me. I'm unloading some responsibilities I've taken on because I simply can't manage them anymore. God help me, but tomorrow I'm going to make a list (I bloody despise lists) and pop it on the wall over my desk of my daily must-dos, and hold myself accountable to getting them done. Others have promised to help hold me accountable as well, and I thank you all for that. I'm going to focus on me-time and some mental health time and get back to exercising (though I am limited a great deal by my ongoing foot issues), and I think that'll help to pump some energy back into me. Even a year or so ago I know I was possessed of an almost limitless energy that is just gone now. I used to be a person so full of life and energy and I prided myself on that, but lately it feels like I don't have any. I feel like I'm just checking off another day on the way to dying, which may sound a bit morbid, but it's true!
That said, speaking of distractions, all of this has distracted me from continuing work on my outline and doing NaNo prep, but I am not deterred. Tomorrow's a brand new day, and I still feel the energy in me to do the work. Now that I'm letting go, I'll have a little more time and energy to do it. Thanks everyone for reading.
Nicholas Haskins
I understand what it's like to suffer from distractions myself. I'm glad you were able to free yourself from some of yours, and hopefully in the future you find that you made the right decision. I know the feeling of freedom was enough for me to know I'd made a step in the right direction, cutting out some of my other, more cumbersome activities. Keep up the good work, friend!!
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